Baseball is back! Officially, like not spring training which I know I should follow more closely but honestly it’s like a steamed broccoli appetizer to the savory main dish. I’m not going to lay out a long, boring, professionally written recap of all the main headlines. That’s not my style and it’ll be better on Bleacher Report anyway. BUT what I can offer is a shortened version for those of you procrastinating at work and/or have teeny attention spans.

• Shohei Ohtani came out shinier than a debutante and people are obsessed.
• Justin Smoak and the Blue Jays broke Yankees’ fans hearts with a grand slam on Sunday to split the series.
• Berrios was naasssstty, but on the flip side the Twins got a little moody over a bunt.
•  John Sterling called Brandon Drury’s first home run with “Aaron’s the Judge, but Brandon’s the Drury” and all of New York collectively sighed.
• Giancarlo Stanton is a Yankee and Yankee fans will never let you forget it.
• Bryce Harper was… so Bryce Harper in both power and arrogance it’s actually not even newsworthy anymore.
• Ichiro is 44-years-old and so defensively spectacular and it is still newsworthy.
• It took two whole games for the reigning NL Champion Dodgers to score a single run (and made up for it with 14 runs over the course of the next two).
• Whoever runs the MLB Instagram account was ready for April Fools Day (and I’ll never get those three minutes back).
• It was revealed that the Astros GM used a vanity license plate for motivation after their 111-loss 2013 season. That’s one way to keep the fire lit under your ass.

A lot more went down over the weekend,  but going on and on defeats the purpose of this post. Moral of the story: we’re so happy baseball is back. And winter, apparently, if you live in New York.